motherhood Archives - Glitter and Dust

Cha Cha Cha Changes

April 7, 2017 by Kristen 6 Comments

I just want to thank everyone who commented and/or reached out to me after my last blog post. I was humbled by the number of women who said they could relate and that they too experience numerous obstacles and moments of doubt when it comes to training and balancing life. After receiving several emails and messages of concern and support, I thought it would be meaningful to provide an update on where I am at and how the past month has brought about many changes to our family. It has been so important in my own journey as a mom to open up, connect, relate, and learn from others who have been there or are going through similar things. Sharing my struggles on the blog has opened new doors and ultimately put my life in a better place.

A lot of changes immediately followed the blog post and I thought it would be worthwhile to share some of the adjustments we’ve made in the Yax household. Several months ago, Justin and I started looking into daycare options for Axel, including a Montessori school for toddlers that is about a mile away from our house. After Justin and I talked among ourselves, and got some insight from family and friends, we thought it would be a good decision for our family if Axel were to be around other kids in a fun, educational environment. I had always been a little hesitant about putting Axel into daycare, mostly because I was scared that he would not receive the same quality of care and attention that he would receive at home, but at 18 months and without a lot of socialization under his belt I felt it would be worth looking into.

After doing a tour of Casa dei Bambini and talking with the staff, we immediately got Axel on the waiting list and let them know our days/hours would be flexible with any availability they had. We really liked that the school was small (they have 16 kids max) and that there is 1 teacher for every 4 kids. The overall mission of Montessori also sits well with us as they praise independent learning and help kids navigate through developmental milestones. We knew the demand for good daycares in Bend is high (another daycare we called put our name on a waiting list and told us to “call back in 8 weeks to see where you’re at on the list”), but had our fingers crossed that something would come available.

Ironically, the weekend after I had posted the blog post we got an email from the director that a spot had opened up for Axel. The crazy thing is that my birthday was that Friday (March 3), and I blew out the candle on my cupcake after making a wish that Axel would get into daycare. Literally the next day the email came in saying that Axel could start on Tuesday of that week. The timing could not have been better and I felt as though major prayers were answered. Justin and I made the commitment right away, as we did not want to miss the opportunity, and two days later Axel started his first day.

Although the transition was tough the first couple days (mostly for me – I bawled all day) it has created a much better overall atmosphere in our home. I am already feeling lighter, happier, and more like my happy-go-lucky self. Justin takes Axel to school at 8:30am Monday-Thursday on his way to work, and I pick him up around 3:15pm after his nap in the afternoon. This gives me afternoons and all day Friday with him, and leaves me with the majority of the day to work, train, run errands, and keep the house clean. Axel seems to be thriving at school and we feel his vocabulary and motor skills have already magnified. I love seeing him around other kids and knowing he is in a fun new environment where he can flourish. I’ve already noticed that my attitude and relationship with Axel has become more positive and encouraging as well. When I am with him I give him more of my undivided attention (because I’ve had time to get all of that other “stuff” out of the way) and am able to relax and enjoy him more.

These changes have also meant that my attitude toward training this year has changed as well. At the time of my last post, I was beginning to feel burnt out and overwhelmed, not sure of whether I could keep up the juggling act. Now, instead of feeling as though I am juggling multiple balls at once, I am only juggling one, maybe two balls at any given time. I now have time set aside for work, time set aside to train, and time set aside for my husband and son. Honestly, it feels great. Due to the support and encouragement I received from many of you, as well as the changes in our daily routine around here, my life already has a different tone than it did a month ago and I feel so very blessed and grateful for these positive changes.

Now that I’m working with a whole new schedule and renewed sense of energy and confidence, I’m excited to start finding a rhythm and step up my training these next few months. Heck, there are only four more months until Ironman Canada and this Kona dreamer has a lot of work to do!

A Side Of Me Most People Don’t See

February 27, 2017 by Kristen 31 Comments

Last Monday when I opened up my weekly schedule on Training Peaks something unusual happened. I cried. As my coach would attest, I typically get really excited when he posts my schedule because it gives me something to strive for and look forward to each week. That sense of structure and challenge usually gives me a quick rush of adrenaline and feeling of joy. But this time, it felt different. I felt different. I looked at my schedule, knowing I was already going to miss my swim workout on Monday, and felt as though I had already failed before the week even started. For the first time ever, I truly questioned whether I could continue doing this or if I even wanted to.

I have been questioning myself a lot lately. What I am doing? Why I am training? My typical “I can do anything” mentality has been challenged with exhaustion, confusion, and doubt. As an outsider looking in, it might look like I have it all together. I use my social media outlets, primarily Instagram and my blog, to highlight moments of my life and training that are beautiful and positive, but beneath the surface there has been a lot more going on. For the last 18 months I have tried to hold it all together, juggle my responsibilities, and still be the energetic person I once was. But lately, I find myself walking on a thin thread, feeling more lethargic, fragile, and frustrated. I feel I have reached a limit and that something in my life needs to change. Does this mean I should put aside training for the time being? I don’t know. The irrational side of me wants to. Then again, I would lose a big chunk of my happiness without it. I’d lose a big piece of me.

To be real and honest, I’ve had a lot of ups and downs since becoming a mom, learning how to set aside my needs and priorities for the care and protection of another human being. Don’t get me wrong, I would do absolutely anything for my son and I try to provide him as much love and support as possible, but with this comes struggle as well. I struggle with not having enough time in the day, not knowing what to prioritize at any given moment, how to juggle multiple roles without feeling as though the balls are all going to come crashing down at once, and how to do it all and feel as though I’m not failing. I am at a point in my life where I will outwardly admit that I don’t want to be a stay at home mom anymore. I don’t want the three biggest roles in my life (mom, instructor, and athlete) to co-exist under the same roof.

I know that as a mom I am doing something huge for Axel’s life, but I never feel a sense of accomplishment. Not like I do when I am teaching a class full of college students or crossing the finish line at a race that required months of training. At the end of each day, I look around feeling as though I endured another day of diaper changes, tantrums, pots and pans clanging, meal prep and destruction (because he only wants to eat berries anyway), and cleaning up mess after mess. And with these feelings comes guilt. Shouldn’t I want to be a stay at home mom? Shouldn’t I be happy that I am the one who gets to see every milestone and be there as he is learning knew things each day? What the heck is wrong with me? Don’t get me wrong, I love my son more than anything and find so much joy in being his mom, but that doesn’t mean the day-to-day is not hard.

Lately I have felt very disconnected from training – my family – friends – work – and life in general, as though I am trying to just get through the motions and not fall apart. I’ve constantly got “all the things” running through my mind, a huge to-do list so to say, which makes it difficult to be in the moment and feel as though I’m succeeding at any one thing. There are times when I’m training but thinking about work, working but thinking about Axel, taking care of Axel but feeling alone and wishing I were with friends. It’s a constant cycle that I can’t seem to shake. And I’m smart enough to know that this is not okay.

The past few months have been particularly hard. The winter cold and snow has given me a big dose of cabin fever (mixed with some SAD) and it’s been hard being cooped up indoors with a toddler. As a stay at home mom and work at home mom, my home is pretty much my domain. Before having Axel, I could easily leave the house whenever I wanted to get interaction with the outside world by working at a coffee shop or meeting up with a friend for lunch, but now it’s not so easy. Everything I do is very structured around Axel and involves a lot of planning to some degree, which can be restricting. While working from home has its perks (I can stay at home and take care of my son – and ultimately, have a more flexible schedule) it can also be very isolating. My days have also become more monotonous → Wake up. Cram in work before Justin goes to work. Watch Axel. Train. Watch Axel and the clock tick until Justin gets home from work. Crash. Day after day.

I tend to be quite the introvert, though I do love social gatherings from time to time and love connecting with other athletes while training. Being an introverted mom is difficult for a number of reasons. I’m shy. I’m not that good at reaching out to people. It takes me a while to open up. And I require down time and time alone to function and thrive. I need it. This is the way my brain is wired. Training for an Ironman (or any event for that matter) fulfills my introverted needs. I know some people would not define going out on an 8-mile run or 50-mile bike ride as “down time,” but I do. It’s my time to rejuvenate and have some quiet moments to myself. Even if I am running or riding side by side with another athlete, I am still able to refuel and gain energy from the time away.

But it also means time away from my husband and son. I would love to be there every step of the way in Axel’s journey through life, but that is not realistic. Honestly, I think I would lose myself completely if I didn’t take some time for me each day and week. Of course I love my family and always look forward to coming home to them, but I feel that way because I get to spend some time away to refill the Kristen tank. My tank has a tendency to empty out pretty quickly. After three or four hours of constant attention and play with Axel, I feel exhausted. At first I was ashamed to admit this. It wasn’t logical that I could run 18 miles or bike 100 and feel great, but feel completely drained and irritable after a few hours of caring for Axel. How is it possible that I can extend myself physically to the limits and feel great, but feel completely depleted looking after a baby/toddler? Sounds pretty crazy huh?

As a psychologist, I believe it is important for every mother and father to assess their personalities, needs, and struggles as they enter into parenthood. I knew the first few years were going to be hard for me, but I could never have imagined the rollercoaster of emotions I would experience day to day, from feelings of joy, to feelings of guilt, to feelings of doubt and emptiness. And more than anything, loneliness. The loneliness has been really hard. And honestly, no one would really ever know how lonely I feel. I’ve wanted to share with friends. I’ve wanted to open up to my coach. Heck, I would even love to vent to my department chair at work. But instead, I just clam up and put on my “everything is okay” face. I’m not good about opening up about problems because I know everyone else is dealing with their own problems as well. Plus, I’m not really sure what to say. It’s hard to put what I’m feeling into words – relatable words. The thing is, you can feel lonely and depressed and still go about your day in a fairly normal manner. Just because people can’t physically see these emotions, doesn’t mean they are not there.

Through the transformation of becoming a mom, I haven’t been able to accept weakness or struggle. I want to feel as though I can get through it – buck up, as my dad would say – and just accept it as another passing phase of life. Plus, I don’t have time to worry about myself. I am busy taking care of my son. I am worried more about my classes and students who pay a lot of money to get a good education from an instructor who is at the top of her game. I don’t want to rob people of these experiences due to my own personal issues.

And of course, I’ve been training a lot this past year. A LOT. More than I ever have. And while it has brought me joy and made me feel like “myself” again, it only paints a picture of those moments where I am in my element. Where I am truly ME. While training can bring out the best in me, those moments when I feel most alive, it masks the hardships and loneliness I experience when I’m not riding my bike or frolicking around in my running shoes.

This past year I used Ironman training to fill a void – and it worked. It made me happy, at least during those moments away when I was able to converse with other adults or have some quiet time to myself. But it only partially disguised the emotions and loneliness that stirred inside me. Because after finishing a training ride, run, or swim, the high would be over and I would have no choice but to immediately jump back into one of my other roles.

I train and compete because it makes me happy. It is fulfilling and gives me a sense of self outside of work and being a mom. But lately, even training has been hard. And it’s never been hard for me before. There are days when I wake up exhausted, and have no choice but to take on my roles as mom and instructor. Adding “athlete” to the equation just seems to further complicate an already messy situation. I want running and triathlon to be a big part of my life – but I also do not want to feel overwhelmed and burnt out. I’m afraid that until something changes, I won’t be able to escape this new norm. As everyone reminds me, things will change and it WILL get easier. And that’s great to hear. But until they do, I will seemingly find myself in a constant tug-o-war between the thrills of motherhood and the hardships of wanting to balance work, training, and being a mom.

I’m not sure what triggered me to open up and talk about this on the blog. Perhaps it’s because it’s one of the reasons I haven’t been sharing my voice in this space lately. Or maybe this is an opportunity to be vulnerable and real about the many struggles I continue to face on a personal and emotional level. To acknowledge that this is NOT easy. One of the goals of this post is to admit that I am in a stage of transition, finally coming to terms that my life will never be what it was and I need to take some time to redefine the life that lies ahead. This will require taking some time to really evaluate the things that matter, the things I value most, and the things that bring joy and vitality to my life. Motherhood has given me a new purpose in life, but that doesn’t mean it has to strip me of dreams and aspirations.

I want to be Axel’s mom. I want to excel in the career I worked so hard to attain. I want to be a competitive age group athlete. Hopefully with time and by sharing a very personal side of my life with others, a door will open and I will gain some insight into what path is right for me.

Thank you for reading. It took a lot for me to share this post, as I usually try to focus more on the positives and have a hard time opening up about the less “glamorous” side of life. To anyone out there who is struggling, no matter the circumstances, just know you are not alone.

Have you ever reached a wall or time in your life when you were spreading yourself thin? How did you overcome these struggles?

Life With Our Little Man

March 26, 2016 by Kristen 19 Comments

I haven’t done an Axel, mom, LIFE update in some time, and after his six-month checkup I thought it would be good to share a little more about our world right now. I know I devote most of this blog to my training and fitness interests, but that is such a small segment of my life compared to my role as mom and wife! Basically, these two are my world.

At his six-month appointment, Axel weighed in at a whopping 17lbs 10oz (50th percentile) and is now 28 inches long. He is TALL for his age (95th percentile), which is probably why most of his 3-9 month clothes never got worn and he is now wearing sizes up to 12 months. Justin and I are both tall (I’m 5’ 9”) so I’m not surprised by this at all. We also learned that his head is in the 95th percentile for circumference, so who knows…maybe he’ll invent the next Facebook.

My favorite thing about Axel? His easy-going happy attitude. He is seriously the HAPPIEST baby and rarely cries unless he is hungry or in desperate need of a diaper change. He seems to love being around people and is always curious and smiling when we take him out and about. One of my favorite outings with him has been to the pool on family day. Axel loves the water, but I think he was even more interested in watching all the kids and people splashing about around him.

The kid never sits still and is highly energetic like his mother (and his Nana too). He loves rolling around, grabbing his toes, moving about, and talking, talking talking (no words yet, just baby talk), especially when he is wearing only a diaper. We are just waiting for the moment when he starts pushing forward, which should be any day now.

Axel’s one obsession? Tags. For some reason, he loves the little white care/cleaning/instruction tags. Give him his taggie blanket and he goes straight for the instruction tag. Put him in his activity jumper surrounded by colorful amazing toys and he’ll spend 10 minutes trying to reach for the white instruction tag that hangs off one of the bars. Oh, if life were only like this for all of us.

After Axel went through a little sleep regression around 4 months old, it seems like one night everything just clicked and he slept through the night, from 7pm to 6am. We quickly developed an evening routine of play, bath, eat, book, and bedtime. Now, he falls asleep like a champ every night and has been sleeping through the night ever since. I feel as though he has learned to associate the Zipadee-Zip with sleep, so whenever we put him in it (for bedtime or naps) he usually falls asleep within minutes.

And he’s a resilient sleeper too. The other night, the power went out at our house a few hours before the finale of The Bachelor (commence crisis mode!). We put Axel to bed at his usual 7pm bedtime, but when the power had not had not come back on by 8:30pm and the house was getting really cold we woke him up, packed everything up, and took him over to my mom’s (her power was still on) to watch the finale and sleep there if need be. Axel went right to sleep on a blanket on the floor of her guest bedroom, and we woke him up again about 90 minutes later to take him back home (the power had come back on by then). He went right back to sleep in his crib, and slept through the night.

We are planning on transitioning Axel into his own room this weekend now that our blackout shades arrived and were installed. Because of the time change and the fact that it doesn’t get dark now until after his bedtime, we thought the shades would be a good investment. He has FOUR windows in his room, and they all face south or west, so it stays fairly bright until the sun goes down. Maybe it wasn’t the smartest move to put the nursery in the room with all the windows (amateur parents) but at least we found a good solution! Please send some positive thoughts our way that the transition goes well (for mom and baby).

Introducing solids has made for some serious entertainment around these parts. Axel is not only an enthusiastic breast milk fan, but he seems to like ALL foods (at least the foods we have given him so far) especially banana and sweet potato, but also pear, avocado, apple, and prunes. Oh, except we tried giving him plain all natural yogurt (think, very tart) and he HATED it. He made the most priceless face in the world and let us know with a big mess that we were horrible parents for putting that nastiness in his mouth. I’m excited to continue offering Axel new foods and watching his reactions unfold.

We also started supplementing his liquids with a bottle or two of formula each day, which is working out well. He seems to really like the Honest Company Organic formula and I am in love with the Baby Brezza automatic formula maker. It’s like a Keurig for baby formula and is worth every penny.

How I’m doing

It definitely gets a little easier for me as Axel gets older and grows more interactive. I really struggled with the newborn phase and do not miss it. Now that Axel has a giant personality and is more in tune with everything going on around him, I am finding that my time with him is more enjoyable and rewarding. The hardest part about being a SAHM and WAHM is the loneliness that can set in from time to time. I do my best to get out (training really helps) but there are moments here and there where I feel like time comes to a standstill. I am really craving the warmth of spring and summer so Axel and I can get out of the house and do more.

Physically, I feel 95% back to normal, but much stronger than I was pre-pregnancy. I don’t know if I’m just eating or training differently, or perhaps carrying around an 18 pound baby has something to do with it, but I feel much more in tune with my body. For the first time in my life, I am much more focused on health and strength, than I am on weight and being thin. It’s a good feeling. Ironman training has already taught me so much – I can’t wait to learn and grow more over these next few months.

I definitely feel more confident as a woman and take pride in everything that I do for my son. It feels good knowing that I am contributing so much to the enhancement of another’s life. Right now I am playing a huge role in shaping the type of person he will become – and I love that. No pressure, right?

Feeling Defeated

December 7, 2015 by Kristen 28 Comments

This week hit me hard. I would love to say that after three months of 24/7 “mom-ing” that I have settled into the new role and have it all figured out. But I don’t. I actually believe that I am doing much better in the mom role than I thought I would, and I definitely enjoy it, but at the same time I have really been neglecting the “Kristen” role. And I don’t think that is healthy. The identity change during this time in my life has been a real struggle and it really caught up to me this past week.

I consider myself a fairly strong person when it comes to facing struggle and change. I’ve had a good amount of adversity in my life and have overcome a lot of challenges and obstacles that could have easily brought me down. One of the hardest times in my life was watching my dad battle and eventually lose his life to pancreatic cancer. I was in grad school at the time and continued on to earn my PhD even though part of me was devastated and wanted to quit. It was a time in my life where “struggle” ultimately transpired into a better me.

Which is one of the reasons I can’t quite understand why this most recent transition has been so difficult for me. It may not be evident on the outside, as I can be someone who internalizes things and puts on a strong external face, but this year has been hard. Really hard. Even though I had a fairly easy pregnancy, labor and delivery, and Axel has (so far) been a wonderful and well behaved baby compared to some of the horror stories I have heard, I have nonetheless had a difficult time dealing with the constant changes, loss of identity, and loss of control.

Since Axel’s birth life has been an emotional rollercoaster. I love him more than I could ever have imagined, yet I still continue to struggle with the number of unexpected changes that have emerged almost instantly. I have gone from being completely independent and having an open and flexible schedule, to the complete opposite where my world entirely revolves around another human being.

It can feel very isolating as a work-from-home, stay-at-home mom, as there is not a whole lot you can do with an infant. Yes I could take him to Target and roam the aisles spending money on things I don’t need to buy, or figure out if there is anyone who would be willing to have a play date, although most of my friends work, don’t have kids, or have children much older than Axel. Even the planning and execution of many of these events and excursions can be exhausting, and by the time I have him packed up and ready to go, I’m ready for a nap. I have talked with some other moms about my situation, and these feelings seem completely normal (thank goodness I am not the only one).

I have also noticed that my needs are the first to get pushed aside and often times go unfulfilled. I’ve learned to accept this as “life right now,” but there are times when the tank just runs on empty. Trying to work full time from home, and in a position that often requires me to be mentally sharp and spontaneous, can be challenging (and at times impossible) when also trying to care for an infant. It leaves very little “me” time. Thank goodness for my amazing mom who steps in a few hours each week so I can have an hour or two to myself to run or bike (or just pull myself together). Fitness and training are the one constant in my life, and are a time when I can feel in control and free. Without it I would feel a huge void. My mom has been a Godsend and I will never be able to repay the time and mental break that she allows me to have.

Am I wrong or a bad person for openly admitting struggle and defeat? I sure hope not. I am usually a happy person with an optimistic and bright spirit, but lately I feel spread so thin that it can bring me down. I know this is only temporary. I am human. I am a woman, who like many others, has experienced a great deal of change in a very short amount of time. Unfortunately, there is no training manual, no coach, and no self-help book I could read that could have prepared me for entry into motherhood. It’s one thing to read about what to anticipate in a book, or to hear it from a friend, but it’s a very different thing to experience it firsthand. Every experience is unique and we all respond and adapt to change at different times and in different ways.

I want nothing more than to be the best mom I can possibly be for my son. I want to be right by his side when he reaches new milestones, and to encourage growth in healthy ways. I also want to be a positive example and teach him all that I can about life, kindness, and possibility. At times I can put a lot of pressure on myself to excel in the roles and activities I take on. Motherhood has been no different. When I invest my time and energy into something, I go all in. Perhaps I need to give myself a little leniency and let go of these lofty expectations I have for myself. Easier said than done.

Who knows why I am sharing all of this. I debated whether or not to even share a post with a tone so different than my normal ones, but it’s a real side of my life and I don’t want to downplay or ignore it. Blogs and social media can often be portrayed from the “look how great my life is,” perspective, which certainly has its place but is also a bit of denial if its not balanced out by the story from the other end of the spectrum. Perhaps I just want to be authentic and let people know it’s not all smiles and triumphs in my world. Perhaps I just want others who are struggling with their own challenges or changes to know that you are not alone and we all go through adversity in life. Or, perhaps I just feel the need to purge these words and feelings to the universe, hit the reset button, and hope for a fresh start this week.